10 artists you should be following

     I like most people draw inspiration from other artists and creators. There is something about watching someone else work that sparks something. Instagram is a great way to find and follow artists but sometimes it can be overwhelming and hard to find artists you love. That's where I come in to save the day. Here is a list of artists I think everyone who loves art should be following.

Lena Danya

A post shared by Lena Danya 🌸 (@lenadanya) on Oct 30, 2017 at 10:03am PDT

      If you follow anything about painting online you've probably seen Lena Danyas work. She is a painter, working mostly with oils. Her work is so feminine and soft. She has a way of painting woman and natural elements like no one else. She also has a Youtube channel that I highly suggest if you are looking for educational videos on painting or if you just love watching other people paint like I do.


Henrik Aa. Uldalen

A post shared by Henrik Aa. Uldalen (@henrikaau) on Nov 28, 2017 at 9:57am PST

     Henrik Aa. Uldalen is one of my favorite artists. The combination of heavy pallet knife work and soft paint strokes are so dreamy and whimsical. Sometimes I will go to his instagram just to look through his feed to feel inspired.


Lee Price

A post shared by lee price (@leepricestudio) on Nov 15, 2017 at 6:29am PST

     First of all, that is not a photo. That is a painting. Lee Price is probably my favorite when it comes to photo realism and detail. The first time I saw her work I thought they were photographs. When I learned they were oil paintings I fell in love. Everything she does is so intricate and precise.


Etienne Garceau 

A post shared by Etienne Garceau (@etiennegarceau) on Dec 7, 2017 at 1:30pm PST

     Etienne Garceau is a new find for me. I started following him only about a month ago but he quickly became a favorite. His strategic use of color when working with dark subject matter is what caught my eye. Aside from being obviously talented his page is great because he lets you see the process of each painting, whether it's progress photos or live painting.


Happy D.

A post shared by Happy D. (@happydartist) on Nov 28, 2017 at 1:12pm PST

     Happy D. is the pop of color in my feed. I tend to follow a lot of artists that work in dark colors or subjects so sometimes it's nice to have some color to break that up. Everything she does feels like a dream, a neon dream. She has nailed using so much color but not making it feel like it's too much. She also has a Youtube channel that I highly suggest.


Michelle Avery Konczyk

A post shared by Michelle Avery Konczyk 👁 (@velvetmush) on Dec 17, 2017 at 8:06pm PST

      Michelle Avery Konczyk is probably the most unique of all of my favorites. She does things with watercolor that I didn't think were possible. Her work is light and airy because it is watercolor but it's also dark and rich like an oil painting.


Daire Lynch

A post shared by daire lynch (@dairelynch) on Dec 7, 2017 at 6:56pm PST

     Daire Lynch is another new find for me. I found his instagram a few weeks ago and instantly fell in love. His work is so reminiscent of classic oil paintings but with a modern twist. The way he captures light and the human form is like no one else I've seen.


Nathalie Rattner

A post shared by Nathalie Rattner (@nathalie_rattner) on Dec 24, 2017 at 11:37am PST

     I've been following Nathalie Rattners work for a long time. Her work reminds me of the Vargas girls but with a modern spin. All of her work is so girly and fun. If you like pin up art like me, you will love her.


Kit King

A post shared by k i t k i n g (@kit_king) on Nov 8, 2017 at 9:48am PST

     Kit King is a huge inspiration to me. Her work is shocking in all the best ways. She pushes the limits of gender, emotion and censorship and does it with flawless technique. Everyone needs to be following her.


 Tanya Shatseva

A post shared by Art of Tanya Shatseva (@tanyashatseva) on Nov 30, 2017 at 10:08am PST

     Tanya Shatseva's is a favorite for her use of color. Her work pops but is still dimensional and rich. She also has a Youtube channel that is like a piece of art in itself.

   

     I've been there. I've been a teenager that didn't have the typical high school experience. I know what it feels like to not want to live anymore. I know what it's like to hate yourself. I'm also here to tell you it gets better, it's never perfect but it gets better.

     High school was a rough time to say the least. I started as a shy wall flower, terrified because I was being thrown into a school of hundreds of kids. I ended high school as a recovering drug addict. It definitely wasn't the four years I planned for. I always imagined going to football games with my friends, instead I was partying across the street from the stadium. I dreamed of going to prom and dancing with my date, instead I was getting high with my friends.

     No one decides to be a drug addict. I never thought that I would end up in rehab by the age of sixteen. My life looked completely different than I imagined. I was angry and lost. I was struggling with mental illness and spinning completely out of control. By the time I landed myself in lockup I was close to dying and to be honest I really didn't care. The days were I wasn't on something or coming down off of something were few and far between. I was a self mutilator with a strong hatred for myself. I thought about killing myself every day and I have no idea what kept me from doing it.

     Even after I got out of lockup (the place I was in was a lockup but it focused on therapy/behavioral issues) I wasn't "cured". There's this idea that when you go to an inpatient therapy or rehab that you magically get your life together. There is a lot of guilt based conversations that happen in places like the one I was in. This idea that all the issues in your life center around your decision to be a drug addict. They force you to look at what you have done to your family and friends. It continues this train of thought that your addiction is the only real issue and if you get rid of that your life will be better. So that's what I came out thinking, I thought that my choices in life were what led me where I was. Which in part was true, but there were so many other issues that weren't being addressed. Mental illnesses that no matter how much I tried to be better were out of my control. I got to a point that I really believed that I was fine and that any negative feelings were solely based off of my behavior and that I brought them on myself.

     If you've been through getting clean and sober than you know it usually doesn't stick the first time. Again, guilt based sobriety only holds for so long. When you get clean it has to be for you, I 1000% believe this and I'm a living example. Sure getting your life together benefits those around you but that is secondary to repairing yourself. Getting sober for someone else is temporary bandaid and it hinders you from getting to the root of the actual issues.

     When I decided to get sober I was high. I got high for absolutely no reason. I didn't want it, I didn't crave it, I don't know why I did it. But I got high and I finally realized that this wasn't my life anymore, I didn't want to feel like that one more day. When I hear people talk about getting sober and it's like some kind of divine intervention and the pieces of their lives suddenly come together I have to shake my head. Sure, in that moment, for the first time in years I was thinking about how this thing was affecting my life but there was so much work to be done. I'll let you in on a little secret, that work is still ongoing, a decade later.

     As I sit here with my three year old waiting for Christmas cookies to come out of the oven I can't help but think about my sixteen year old self. That girl who didn't care about herself, the girl that I have spent so long trying to repair. The girl that I admittedly have beat up in my head for decisions and people that have brought negative things into my life. The teenager that almost didn't make it. I forget sometimes that she was a kid and under all the anger she was afraid. I forget to thank her. I forget to thank her for holding on, for making the decision every day to live even when it seemed pointless. She deserves a huge amount of praise for giving me the chance to have a life that I scraped and clawed for. For the chance to meet my daughter, because without her courage and strength I wouldn't know what it feels like to love a part of myself unconditionally.

     Believe me when I say it gets better. It is never perfect but life puts you where you need to be when you need to be there. Sometimes it doesn't make sense and it feels completely hopeless. Sometimes it's beautiful and you're so glad you hung on to see it. You're life can completely change, you just have to allow it.

     
   

     

   

     Lately I've been trying to really look at myself and understand the way my brain functions. There are so many things I do that I really have never understood. After officially being diagnosed with OCD, on top of being bipolar, things are becoming a lot clearer. Over the last few weeks I've been taking a closer look at the things I do and why I do them. I've spent years criticizing and belittling myself because I just can't seem to get it together and act "normal". I think taking a realistic look at my own behavior and taking stock of how I'm feeling and why is one of the healthiest things I've done. It's uncomfortable and awkward but I'm never going to be able to move forward with my life if I don't understand whats been holding me back.

I apologize, a lot. I apologize when I talk too much. I apologize when I say no. I apologize when I apologize. Saying sorry is second nature for me. I don't know how to speak without giving a disclaimer. I never realized just how much I do this. I now know I do this because I'm terrified I will say something wrong, that I will ultimately dissect and analyze over and over.

I'm always busy.  I don't like to relax. Relaxing is free time for my brain to come up with unwanted thoughts. I don't like not having things to do. Being busy isn't always a bad thing but when I say yes to so many things that I feel overwhelmed, it becomes unhealthy. I once had a therapist tell me I had a hard time sitting in my feelings. I run.

I cancel plans, even when I'm excited to go. I cannot tell you how many times I have agreed to go somewhere or do something and cancelled at the last minute. It's not that I don't want to go or that I'm not looking forward to these things. My anxiety takes over at the last minute and I just decide it's just easier to stay home. I've missed nights out, family dinners, birthdays, the list goes on and on. My mental health has turned me into a hermit, I've isolated myself. I haven't always been this way though. A few years ago me being home was rare. I went out, I spent time with friends and family, I went on road trips but over the last few years my anxiety has convinced me that anything outside of my comfort zone is scary and staying home is just easier. I tell myself that I'll regret it if I go because I know I'll have a panic attack and wish I would have just stayed home.

I can't make decisions. Even though I'm a control freak I have a hard time making a decision and sticking to it. Again, I am terrified I will say the wrong thing. As soon as I decide my brain is flooded with what ifs. This can be something as big as what I want to do with my life to something as small as what I'm going to eat for lunch.

I'm super productive until I'm not. I have days where I have a clear vision of my goals for the day. I get everything done on my list plus some. My house is spotless, I keep promises, deadlines are no problem and my life feels like it's going the way it should. I tell myself "doesn't this feel great? Remember this when you can't get out of bed". Then the bottom falls out. I can't see it coming but I know when it's happening. I'm screaming at myself to get up, do something but I can't. This is when I start feeling like a failure and beat myself up. I promise myself that when I feel productive again I will make up for this, putting even more pressure on myself to do better, to be better.

I ramble. This has a snowball effect that just doesn't stop. It starts with me saying something I deem stupid and I feel the need to apologize. Then I don't want to seem weird so I have to cover it up by saying more about why I said what I said. Then I have to make sure no ones mad at me and no one thinks I'm an idiot. That leads to me searching for another topic to fill the silence. If that doesn't work I go to awkward jokes. After all that I go home and analyze every part of the entire exchange. It's exhausting.

I'm short with people. Whether I'm depressed or I'm having a panic attack I become very agitated and overwhelmed. I get to a point where having normal conversations or completing everyday tasks becomes too much to handle.

I can't sleep or I sleep too much. Being bipolar I go into mania. Mania can be very scary, I'm planning on dedicating an entire post to what happens when people with bipolar disorder go into different mood swings. Mania causes me to have a difficult time falling asleep. I can run on little to no sleep during mania. On the other end of the spectrum, depression makes me tired and takes all of my energy.

I take things personally. To most people I come off like I don't care what people think, that couldn't be further from the truth. I act like I just do what I want and other opinions of me don't matter but what they don't see is me at home at the end of the day picking apart everything that was said that day and trying to figure out how people view me. I ask for reassurance constantly, asking things like "did that come off too mean?" or "Did I sound like an idiot?". The smallest amount of criticism or negativity and my brain is off to the races.

I expect the worst. I'm definitely a glass half empty kind of girl. I have to put effort into thinking positively. I'm not sure if that comes from my mental illness or just being conditioned to expect the worst and if something good happens it's a bonus. Constantly bracing yourself for the worst possible outcome is draining. I envy people that can look at the world and see all the best things.

     I know this list seems a little depressing. I get that I haven't listed solutions to these things, but I'm still trying to figure out what those solutions are. I'm still in the phase of noticing these things about myself. I hope this helps others who are in the same place I am. Even if you don't relate to these specific things, maybe it will inspire you to really look at yourself and why you feel the way you do. Understanding myself is one of the most complex things I'll ever do but I think it's going to be worth it.

The art of living with mental illness

     When I first decided to start blogging again I couldn't decide what I wanted to blog about. Obviously I wanted to blog about art but I didn't think that would be enough to write about multiple times a week. Progress photos of paintings or drawings are nice but I didn't want a blog filled with photos you could easily see on my instagram. I started looking at what was popular in the blogging world. Fashion, if you know me you're probably laughing. I've never been one to put too much stock in the way I dress. Not that I look like a slob but everything in my closet is black, it all matches and I don't have to put much thought into how I dress. DIY, ok so I'm pretty crafty but I'm not consistently crafty enough to have a blog about it. Food, I love food, I love to cook. I honestly thought for awhile about seriously having it be a part of my blog and I can't say that there won't be a recipe popping up here and there. Again, I'm not consistent enough and I forget to take photos before we eat.

     Do you know what I am consistent with? Art and talking about mental health. I know to some people that may sound strange, as if the two don't go together. In my world they go hand in hand. Being an artist and having mental health issues are huge parts of who I am. Yes, I'm married and I'm a mother and I love my family more than anything but as Jae Nichelle said, she (my anxiety) is the longest relationship I have ever had.

     My mental health issues are with me always. I never get a break. They are integrated in relationships and memories, my career and decisions about the future. Navigating through life is just different when your brain doesn't work the way others do. Some days I don't even notice I'm taking the more difficult route when going through my routine. All I know is that is what my brain tells me to do. Some days it's hard and I wonder how I'll get through the day, let alone the rest of my life.

     I think it's important to talk about these issues. I've always been open about my mental health. There is absolutely no reason why I shouldn't be. I didn't ask for this, I didn't sign up to be in this club. This was an unwanted gift that I'm trying to figure out what to do with. I can't return it and I can't give it away. I'm stuck with it. So why should I have to keep quite about it? Especially when I'm not the only one that was handed this. We're all walking around wondering if we're alone and we're not. I want to be the place that someone comes and says "me too, I feel that way too". Sometimes feeling like your even slightly normal is what you need to get through the day.

     I guess what I'm trying to say is that this blog will be about my real life. It will be about my mental state and how that relates to my work. It will be about the things I feel passionate about and things I love. The things that make me nervous and sad and what life actually looks like for someone with mental health issues.