Lately I've been trying to really look at myself and understand the way my brain functions. There are so many things I do that I really have never understood. After officially being diagnosed with OCD, on top of being bipolar, things are becoming a lot clearer. Over the last few weeks I've been taking a closer look at the things I do and why I do them. I've spent years criticizing and belittling myself because I just can't seem to get it together and act "normal". I think taking a realistic look at my own behavior and taking stock of how I'm feeling and why is one of the healthiest things I've done. It's uncomfortable and awkward but I'm never going to be able to move forward with my life if I don't understand whats been holding me back.
I apologize, a lot. I apologize when I talk too much. I apologize when I say no. I apologize when I apologize. Saying sorry is second nature for me. I don't know how to speak without giving a disclaimer. I never realized just how much I do this. I now know I do this because I'm terrified I will say something wrong, that I will ultimately dissect and analyze over and over.
I'm always busy. I don't like to relax. Relaxing is free time for my brain to come up with unwanted thoughts. I don't like not having things to do. Being busy isn't always a bad thing but when I say yes to so many things that I feel overwhelmed, it becomes unhealthy. I once had a therapist tell me I had a hard time sitting in my feelings. I run.
I cancel plans, even when I'm excited to go. I cannot tell you how many times I have agreed to go somewhere or do something and cancelled at the last minute. It's not that I don't want to go or that I'm not looking forward to these things. My anxiety takes over at the last minute and I just decide it's just easier to stay home. I've missed nights out, family dinners, birthdays, the list goes on and on. My mental health has turned me into a hermit, I've isolated myself. I haven't always been this way though. A few years ago me being home was rare. I went out, I spent time with friends and family, I went on road trips but over the last few years my anxiety has convinced me that anything outside of my comfort zone is scary and staying home is just easier. I tell myself that I'll regret it if I go because I know I'll have a panic attack and wish I would have just stayed home.
I can't make decisions. Even though I'm a control freak I have a hard time making a decision and sticking to it. Again, I am terrified I will say the wrong thing. As soon as I decide my brain is flooded with what ifs. This can be something as big as what I want to do with my life to something as small as what I'm going to eat for lunch.
I'm super productive until I'm not. I have days where I have a clear vision of my goals for the day. I get everything done on my list plus some. My house is spotless, I keep promises, deadlines are no problem and my life feels like it's going the way it should. I tell myself "doesn't this feel great? Remember this when you can't get out of bed". Then the bottom falls out. I can't see it coming but I know when it's happening. I'm screaming at myself to get up, do something but I can't. This is when I start feeling like a failure and beat myself up. I promise myself that when I feel productive again I will make up for this, putting even more pressure on myself to do better, to be better.
I ramble. This has a snowball effect that just doesn't stop. It starts with me saying something I deem stupid and I feel the need to apologize. Then I don't want to seem weird so I have to cover it up by saying more about why I said what I said. Then I have to make sure no ones mad at me and no one thinks I'm an idiot. That leads to me searching for another topic to fill the silence. If that doesn't work I go to awkward jokes. After all that I go home and analyze every part of the entire exchange. It's exhausting.
I'm short with people. Whether I'm depressed or I'm having a panic attack I become very agitated and overwhelmed. I get to a point where having normal conversations or completing everyday tasks becomes too much to handle.
I can't sleep or I sleep too much. Being bipolar I go into mania. Mania can be very scary, I'm planning on dedicating an entire post to what happens when people with bipolar disorder go into different mood swings. Mania causes me to have a difficult time falling asleep. I can run on little to no sleep during mania. On the other end of the spectrum, depression makes me tired and takes all of my energy.
I take things personally. To most people I come off like I don't care what people think, that couldn't be further from the truth. I act like I just do what I want and other opinions of me don't matter but what they don't see is me at home at the end of the day picking apart everything that was said that day and trying to figure out how people view me. I ask for reassurance constantly, asking things like "did that come off too mean?" or "Did I sound like an idiot?". The smallest amount of criticism or negativity and my brain is off to the races.
I expect the worst. I'm definitely a glass half empty kind of girl. I have to put effort into thinking positively. I'm not sure if that comes from my mental illness or just being conditioned to expect the worst and if something good happens it's a bonus. Constantly bracing yourself for the worst possible outcome is draining. I envy people that can look at the world and see all the best things.
I know this list seems a little depressing. I get that I haven't listed solutions to these things, but I'm still trying to figure out what those solutions are. I'm still in the phase of noticing these things about myself. I hope this helps others who are in the same place I am. Even if you don't relate to these specific things, maybe it will inspire you to really look at yourself and why you feel the way you do. Understanding myself is one of the most complex things I'll ever do but I think it's going to be worth it.
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